I feel broken and that feeling just isn’t going away easily. I was tough on myself, gave myself a break, took things one step at a time, and tried many other ways to feel better. Yes, I get through the day (not without difficulty) but this is not the way to progress, get the things I want in life, or create happiness in the long-term.
Happy New Year everyone. I hope you had a fabulous end of the year/decade and are well set to enjoy the coming time as well. Not in accordance with all the resolutions and hope of new beginnings out there, this post is going to be a bit of a bummer. But that is just how I feel and needing to buy a new calendar is just not going to be enough to miraculously fix that. However, getting better is something I am going to keep working hard at. And I wanted to talk about my current attempts.
I started feeling sick on Christmas Day and since then my days and nights have been about bed rest and my next dose of Tylenol. It was quite bad but I just needed the time of rest and care for my body to keep fighting the infection I had. I consistently maintained a fever above 101 degrees F and as a side effect every muscle in my body hurt. The interesting thing about this time was that I complete stopped working. And that gave me so much relief. I simply had no energy to think about work or stress about missing it. That is what it had come too. I cannot deny that I was also suffering from mental burnout as well.
Now, I am trying to re-launch myself from that point and get started with productive life again. But in a healthier way. I have been avoiding some work tasks that are quite urgent, which isn’t the best perspective. I will snap out of it and get them done. On the other hand, I did realize that I do have time for things that I was denying myself before: spending some time on relaxation and cleaning the space around me. So I tackled those first. The space around me is more organized at home than it has been in months. Up next, I am going to go back to the drawing board on my future studying and career plans.
Another thing that I have now found time and mental space for: reading! After wanting to reintroduce this beloved habit into my life for months, I am happy to report that I am 25% of the way through a book. I only started reading it 3 days ago. It is The 5-Second Rule by Mel Robbins.
I wanted to tell you a bit about the first section of this book that resonated with my current state. Which is not great. I have read too many books and seen too many talks from people who got it all figured out and moved on up to their 6-figure salaries, big mansions, and happy, healthy families. But the state that I continue to find myself in, I just couldn’t connect with the dissatisfaction and setbacks where some of these people had emerged from.
One of the early sections of this book is about how Mel discovered the rule. More than the actual answer to this question, what resonated with me was the spiral and lifestyle that Mel was stuck in at that time. In my current state, I connect with it. I see that it is possible to rise from where I find myself right now. Unfortunately, I did not just start launching out of bed like a rocket in the mornings so the amazing rule isn’t where I am at yet when it comes to waking up on time and facing my day with resolve. More on this later when I have completed the book.
Back to the feeling of being down. Below are excerpts from Mel’s book that I really identified with and think that others struggling can resonate with as well. It actually made me feel better, a bit understood and hopeful that these things too can be recovered from. As the words felt close to my own feelings and struggles, I felt a little relief for nothing else than a sense of being understood. I leave you with those lines:
No matter how bad your life can seem, you can always make it worse. I did. I drank too much. Way too much. I was jealous of friends who didn’t have to work. I was bitchy and judgmental. Our problems seemed so big that I convinced myself there was nothing I could do. Meanwhile, in public, I just pretended everything was fine.
That’s where the snooze button came in. I hit it…two, three, or four times a morning. When I hit that snooze button it was the one moment every day where I actually felt like I was in control. It was an act of defiance.
I felt ashamed by the number of balls I dropped every single day.
The fact that it was simple stuff actually made it worse. I had no legitimate excuse for why I couldn’t get it done.
My self confidence was in a death spiral. If I couldn’t even get up on time, how the heck could I have faith in myself to fix the bigger financial and marriage problems.
Have you ever noticed how the smallest things can feel so hard?
I would make promises to myself that tomorrow I would change.
The reason that I didn’t get out of bed was simple: I just didn’t feel like it. I would later learn that I was stuck in what researchers call a “habit loop.” I had hit the snooze button so many mornings in a row the behaviour was now a closed-loop pattern encoded in my brain.
I desperately wanted to change. I just didn’t know how.
The problem was very clear. It was me. I was holding myself back…
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